That first sip…

D-17 

I have relapsed so many times that I lost count. Today is D-17 without having touched a single drop. To be honest I can go for several months without drinking, it becomes tricky when I am sober for longer period because I forget that I can’t drink, and generally this is how it goes.

I will start tasting the wine, just one sip…then a few weeks later, I will go for half a glass. I say to myself : “there you go, you see, you can control your drinking, you can stop after half a glass”.  Then at dinners I will share one glass… when the glass is empty even though I want more I say “No thank you I am fine”. There again, I feel proud because I CAN Say NO.  BUT all the energy that goes in that glass of wine is crazy. I always look at the glass, asking myself “Am I drinking to fast?”, “Oh it’s almost empty, what about the others?”, “Should I take some more?”. Seriously so much energy of a glass of wine. And this is because I am scared deep inside of what can happen if I lose control. It is very well said in the big book  “So an alcoholic CANNOT always predict how much they are going to drink, and a NON-alcoholic CAN always predict how much they are going to drink”. And one evening after “thinking” I am in control I completely loose it. The alcohol takes control, there are no more barriers…GAME OVER. Angel 0- Demon 1.

Between the first time I have a sip of alcohol to the total loss of control , it can take a few months, but the story is ALWAYS the same. So…as I don’t take that first sip, that first taste, I am  fine. The shit comes when I let the demon aka my dark side inside me say yes.